I had been emotionally rejected by my parents. Now I was being emotionally rejected by my husband! Not only that - the man who had promised to "love, honor and cherish" me, ('cherish'? Huh!!! I don't think he knew the meaning of the word!), was the actual cause of my deepest distress and degradation! And a cup of tea was supposed to fix THAT? And what hurt even more was that for YEARS I had prayed to find a CHRISTIAN doctor; someone who would understand my dilemma (or so I fondly thought!)
This particular disappointment highlighted why I didn't like "feel-good" songs such as: Bloom where you're planted. My trouble was, God hadn't planted me where I was - so how could I ever bloom? So I never felt that I could really rely on God to come through for me. Not only that, I felt that nothing I did could ever please Him, because I could not undo the mistake I'd made in the first place, marrying outside of the will of God. So, no matter how hard I tried, I felt I had no way of getting close to God. I had let Him down badly - why would He want my company? Oh I knew I would still end up in Heaven, because God would keep His promise, and stick to me. I often thought that when I got to Heaven, I'd be dumped in the back blocks somewhere, but I wouldn't be welcome up at the "House".
That led to despair. Despair aggravated by my memories of my sins. As a young child the worst thing I did was lie. I didn't steal, cheat, give cheek, mix with the wrong kind of kids, (no other kids – right or wrong – wanted me).
And as a married woman, my biggest "obvious" sins were being untidy, overeating and being critical. I didn't drink, smoke or gamble. But these things had never been a bone of contention between God and me. He just continually chipped away at them.
The thing that had ALWAYS affected my relationship with God had been my hassles with sex. My sexual experimenting when I was a teenager; my bitterness and resentment of Bob's incessant demands; being sexually attracted to the wrong men; battling sexual fantasies.
My early understanding of God came through the churches. And what sin did churches thunder against most? Immorality! And what did they mean by immorality? A lust for sex!
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